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Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Chipotle Announces Intention to Develop Burritos That Grow On Trees

Today, Chipotle Mexican Grill announced that it's research division has made significant progress in the development of burritos that grow on trees.  A spokesperson said, "we were tired of the sort of supply issues that we run into when we make arbitrary demands on suppliers, so we decided to see if we could cut out the whole animal phase of burrito production - you know, the whole sad eyes and exploding cow thing." 

This effort has apparently been underway for quite a while.  The scene in Chipotle's recent "scare crow video" in which the hero picks a single pepper from a plant in his yard was intended as a preview of the direction the company has been wanting to go for a long time.  "I think its pretty clear from the tone of our marketing messages that we haven't believed that we would need any long-term relationships with regular farmers."

When asked whether this new burrito tree be "GMO" the Chipotle chief technical officer replied, "no - we only wanted to use technologies that your grandmother would recognize.  We are employing the time-tested approach of mutagenesis breeding.  If we sort through enough mutants, we can find what we want.  It will be what Nature intended all along but just hadn't gotten around to yet."

The Chipotle spokesperson also explained, "our burrito trees also won't require fossil-based energy for their fertilizer - it turns out that by setting up composting facilities downstream of our marketing operation, we can generate all the fertilizer we need."

When asked why the announcement was made today, the spokesperson said, "we looked at the calendar and decided that this was an auspicious day for this sort of exciting news.  It may be a while before our customers can really get the tree-grown burritos, but in the mean time they can feel more righteous buying our product."

Restaurant Image from Wikimedia Commons
Stylistic nod to the Borowitz Report